


Half a Year

by Moon0618



Category: Hit the Floor (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, HIV/AIDS, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-21
Updated: 2016-12-12
Packaged: 2018-08-16 14:45:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8106370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moon0618/pseuds/Moon0618
Summary: An AU story, they met one of support groups for alcoholics but turns out truth has another heartbreaking face.





	1. First Month

**Author's Note:**

> I'm having some bad time so I really can't write fluff or anything lovely. I'm quite depressed these days so I decided to write this sad story  
> I don't think it's going to be easy for me to write some story like that but I feel like I need to do this so...
> 
> English is not my native language, sorry for all mistakes

Another day, another meeting at support group as usual. I sit on chair, people starts to talk and I started to watch that man. He called himself John but I doubted it's his real name. He don’t talk much, usually listens others. He has nice, genuine smile, I enjoy watching him smiling. Actually I realize I like to watch him generally that thing goes on for a few weeks now, I don't think he knows I have eyes on him. I decided to ask him out today, I catch him while he was filling coffee  
“I think you deserve better coffee than this one” he return me with one of his beautiful smiles  
“You’re right about the taste” he smiled at me again, I smiled back  
“So do you wanna go someplace else for the coffee?”  
“Yeah, sure why not?” we came one of the sweet places around ordered our coffees  
“I saw you a few times, you didn’t talk though” I watched his eyes, while he talks it’s a different hazel tone  
“You’re not much of talker too...John!” he laughed, it was a nice voice to hear  
“No no, I’m Jude, let’s start all over this”  
“Yeah, we should thoroughly do that _**Jude**_ , I’m Zero and nice to finally meet you”  
“Finally!?”  
“Yes, I was kinda stalking you at support group, didn’t have guts to talk with you until today” I smiled lightly  
“Honestly, I didn’t notice”  
“Yeah, I thought so too” we laughed together. It’s been a long time since I go out with anyone, this alcohol shits got me pretty bad but I was sober for a few months now but still I was going to meetings just for being cautious  
“How did you become an addict?” he woke me up in deep thoughts with his question  
“Parents died and left me good money, there isn’t much to do other than drink myself to death. You? By the way you don’t look like an addict at all”  
“Been there though, my a few good friends pass away and let’s just say I couldn’t handle with pressure anymore so I drink drink...and drink again” suddenly he gets serious, sad and I don’t think it was about his friends deads, I feel like there was another thing make him feel wretched about everything but he gathered himself back quickly and try to smile  
“I’m sorry for your friends”  
“Thanks” he gets quiet and look away. It was his turn to be lost in thoughts  
“I don’t think we should be doing this” his voice was cold but also he looked like having trouble while he speaks out loud what he thinks  
“And why’s that?” I tried to smile but the look on his face made my smile fade away  
“Don’t like me, it won’t turn out good for you” he couldn’t even look at my face, he just kept looking at his hands  
“Why?” I was truly curious  
“I’m sick.”  
“Sick?”  
“I got AIDS” I don’t know how to react this one but I couldn’t stop feeling really sad for him because he looks so beautiful, pure and I just don’t want to believe he’s sick  
“How did you get it?”  
“I was just realizing that I’m gay or whatever and everything started to went down quickly in my life, I was in a depressed mood so I decided to have fun, get high or somethings like that and my _**really really**_ good friends told me injections are the strongest ones and they told me all my problems will be gone. So I did it, take the needle in my arm, it was the first time I’m doing things like drugs and then I learn a few months later I was HIV positive, I don’t even remember why I got tested or for what. That’s how I learn anyway”  
“Wait a minute you said HIV, how did it turns out AIDS?”  
“Well, it’s rest of it, if you wanna keep listening, I’m sure I have nothing else better to do for the night”  
“Yeah yeah, I do wanna listen” he tried to smile but I can see his pain clearly now  
“Okay, three years ago, the time I learn. They said my blood counts are good and with right treatments I could’ve live years and I did everything they said, take everything they want me to take and I was okay. At the same time I had new friendships, two of them was a couple, they had HIV like me and the other one had colon cancer and almost a year ago I lost three of them and without even understand, I was gambling with my life. They died and I drink, leave my medications as well as my healthy life. This sickness likes to play and go forward and it did go until turns into AIDS, now I don't think I have even a year” I looked at him, examined him but he doesn’t look like sick  
“Why did you started alcohol if you know what’s gonna happen?” I wanna be angry at him because he did know, this kind of addiction can’t be end good for him, for his health  
“Ohhh I regret it, I regret it” it was like a silent scream his words. I see tears in his eyes one of them manage to escape and go down on his cheek. That one tear took my heart away and hurt it  
“Run” he said more loudly this time but still it was crack  
“What?”  
“Run Zero, run away from me or I don’t think I’ll be able to turn you down because...because I need a friend, I don’t want to put anyone in pain but also I know I need someone...so run or you’ll get hurt...eventually” he was right and I should run because I like him since the first time I saw him so I’ll get hurt if I stay here, right beside him because I know, I’m gonna keep liking him more and more each day maybe even each second. Then I’m gonna get used to him and next thing I know he’ll be gone before I can’t get enough of him  
“But I don’t wanna run” I looked inside of his beautiful eyes with serious expression then I hold his hand, I can see he wasn’t expecting that  
“Really?”  
“Yeah really” I softened my face and smiled at him warmly  
“Thanks by the way”  
“You’re thanking me for what, staying?”  
“No, actually it’s for asking how I got it...you know people usually thinks it was some kind of lecherous boyfriend or one night mistake” he looked away again, I was still holding his hand, I squeeze it to show him I'm here and he return me back with putting his other hand on mine.

We were walking to his apartment, I learn he likes to walk. Weather was cold a little, well, after all it was first days of fall. We came to his place  
“I guess that’s it” he turn me  
“Yeah, I believe so. It wouldn’t be a lie if I say I’m kinda sad” my award was one of his sincere smiles  
“Me too”  
“Do you wanna go on a date...with me?”  
“I would love to do that” we smiled at each other’s  
“I’ll pick you at 7, is that okay?”  
“Sounds great, good night then” I gather up all of my courage together and planted a small kiss on his lips  
“G’night” then I ran just like a little shy boy but I was smiling while I go back at home.

* * *

I pick him up at seven with my car, he was wearing black jeans and green t-shirt, he looked cute and sexy, I don’t know how he managed to be them both at the same time. He get inside of car  
“You look good” he smiled  
“Thanks, you look good too...actually you look extremely hot” we look at each other’s for a second then we both laughed  
“Where’re we going?”  
“I make reservation from one of the nice restaurants”  
“Sounds great”

We sit our table and waitress give us menu  
“Do you wanna know what we’re eating?” he send me an asking look  
“Why do you have something special in your mind?”  
“Yes, we’re gonna eat fish”  
“Fish? Why particularly fish? Is it so good at this restaurant?”  
“No, it’s not that, it’s beacuse from what I heard my lovely date for the night should be eating healthy foods” I smiled flirty  
“Okay then, your lovely date should listen his handsome prince and order fish” we ordered our fishes  
“I may let you have dessert but I didn’t decided that yet”  
“What’re you gonna do, looking how I’ve been at this date?” he teased at me  
“Actually that’s a fantastic idea, I should do that”  
“Okay you do that but at the same time tell me about little bit of yourself, you practically know everything about me and I wanna know more about you” first time I was glad somebody asked me that question because that means he was letting me in and he wants to spend time with me too and get to know me  
“There isn’t much to tell, I was only child also one night mistake so both of my parents hated me. I was in real estate business after hearing they died and left me money, I come back at here and you know the rest. What about your parents?”  
“They’re not so different from yours other than not being dead, my father is a very rich man and he cares about his name more than anything, that’s why he’s keep sending me money every month for keep my mouth shut about being his son also if they know me not to tell them I’m gay and sick, that's how much he hates me”  
“That’s rough man and your mom?”  
“She doesn’t care.” Looks like there’s more to tell about her but he doesn’t seem comfortable so I didn't ask  
“Looks like we both have money but no family”  
“Yeah, you right, like the money is what I need right now” I hold his hand, again  
“At least you’re not all alone anymore Jude” he looked at me like he’s gonna say something, like he wants to say something but he didn’t. 

We eat our dinner and keep talking for hours but we didn’t get dessert though, he said he have things to eat as dessert at home, then we get up and drive to his apartment  
“Do you wanna come for a coffee?” I really wasn’t expecting him to ask that  
“Yeah sure” I planted a huge smile on my face, I wasn’t expecting for anything more but I was so glad beacuse he asked me. He has sweet,chaste and small apartment, I sit on couch, he go to the kitchen for making coffee  
“Place looks sweet” but it doesn’t have anything showing his private life not even photos, he looked around like he knows what I just think  
“Well, I can’t say I have so much life energy these days” I wished there would be a way to help him  
“Why’re you still going to group meetings?”  
“Because I don’t have anything better to do other than listen humans life stories...I don’t know being there makes me feel good, I guess”  
“Why did you shut yourself from everyone else around you Jude, you clearly need a few friends”  
“Well, I feel so much pain when I lost my close friends and I just don’t want anyone else feel the same way and I know they would” he starts to look away  
“But I don’t think you deserve to be that much alone, you shouldn’t be dealing with your illness all by yourself. Did your doctors give you any medication?”  
“They did but I’m not taking anything strong because I wanna be aware of everything in my...you know...in my last a few...Ahhm nevermind” I can understand he wants to be strong and look strong but he already told me he regret it so he wasn’t anything near of being okay  
“I wanna kiss you” I don’t know why I said that but I want to stay with him as long as he let me. He leaned on me, I leaned on him and our lips touched, first it was a simple kiss then it got little bit more deepened. He has soft lips and they taste like strawberry. After we pulled apart, we put our foreheads together  
“I’m so sorry for everything that happened to you” he just nodded his head, then we lay down on couch, he put his had on my collarbone, I wrapped my arms around him and we just slept like that.

* * *

For almost two weeks it kept going like that, we tried to learn every little detail about each other’s. We go for walks, go to little short trips, we did even tried to prepare meal for dinner watching videos on youtube but it didn’t go very well, we have so much fun though. We stayed usually at my place because I have a bigger TV, Jude really likes to watching movies and eating puddings. We were sleeping together but just sleeping, nothing else was happening and I do want somethings to happen but also I’m too scared brought this up because I have no idea how he’ll react and I just don’t want to blow this nice thing up. He gets out from the bath with only his towel, he was a really handsome man besides the his sweetness  
“What’re you doing?” I was sitting on my bed and watching him  
“Nothing, just thinking”  
“Hmm, okay”  
“I want you” he turn me, he realized immediately what I was talking about  
“Are you sure?” he sit on bed next to me  
“Of course I’m sure Jude...how can I not? How about you?”  
“I don’t want to affect your judgement so I didn't say anything but of course I want you too... _ **how can I not**_ ?” he smiled at me warmly and I kissed him. We get used to kiss each other’s, we did enjoy making out these past two weeks, lots of times. He took my shirt off slowly and touched my body, his touches were kind, gentle and they felt good. We lay down on bed, I tossed my pants and boxers, he tossed his towel and finally we were all naked for the first time  
“Make love with me” only response I have was a nice, deep and wishful kiss. Well I certainly never make love with anyone else but I understand what they meant by saying that, while I was inside of him and they were right, it wasn't just a sex or a quick fuck, it was way more meaningful than them, if you were with someone you really care about, also someone you can lose in a short time. I came hard inside of condom and then I saw tears in his eyes, I just hugged him and kissed away his tears and I realize this was the most intimate experience I have ever had.

* * *

“Where were you?” I just get inside of the house  
“You were sleeping, I didn’t wanna wake you up and I made some shopping, bought you, your favorite puddings”  
“You sound like perfect boyfriend I’ve been looking for”  
“I didn’t know you were looking for him” he smiled. I sit on sofa next to him  
“How’re you feeling?”  
“I feel happy” he knows what I’m asking but this means also he was feeling alright, we were together for a month now and he was doing good, sometimes he doesn’t feeling very well but still he was okay and I was here right beside him  
“We should watch a movie”  
“You’re saying it’s movie time”  
“Yeap”  
“Okay then I should go get blankets and put some coffee” in five minutes we started watching our movie, while we were lying down on sofa together, his head on my chest as usual and I just couldn’t stop feeling like he's gonna stay right there forever and he’s gonna be okay, he’s gonna be good. Even if I know he doesn’t, I felt like that.


	2. Second Month

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should say this I couldn't stop my tears while I was writing this chapter

“What about your mother?...I feel like there’s more about her” friday romantic date night at home, it wasn’t perfect topic for a date night but frankly I was quite curious about his mom. I get it that he have a bad relationship with his dad but his mom, I just don’t have any answers for her  
“I told you already she doesn’t care about me...at least not anymore”  
“And why exactly she doesn’t care about her only child?”  
“To be honest she’s kinda religious type but she did talk with me after I told her I’m gay, she didn’t wanna accept at first but in time she did talk and try to love me back. After I learn I’m sick, I told her that I'm HIV positive and you know what she did?...She kick me out! She told me things about devil and hell I guess and she never talk with me again”  
“Really!? She kick you out?”  
“Yeah and I suppose her words were included something like this is all my choice and also my fault...I guess she was right about one thing after all” he try to smile lightly  
“You know it wasn’t your fault”  
“ _ **Ohhh really!**_ Because I’m pretty sure it was my fault”  
“You just wanna have some fun, how’s that can become your fault?”  
“But it did, it become the biggest mistake of my life. Especially now...after I met you” last words were like silent screams and his pain touched my heart from his  
“Why did you say that?”  
“Because I wanna stay more then ever”  
“Jude!! Don’t be lik-“  
“ _ **NO!**_ You need to hear, I wanna stay here for a long time and I wanna stay like this because I won’t be like this always, you know. I’m already losing weight and it just gonna get worst and...and you won’t remember me like this because you can’t, it’s impossible, I been there” he looked away, that move was like his escape point and also it means he can not be reach anymore so I didn’t say anything back, I just opened my arms to him  
“Come here” he obeyed and buried his head to my neck. We were eating on the floor, so space wasn’t a problem. I just hugged him, try to keep him warm as possible. I smelled his hair, I try to get enough of him but I know there'll never be such a thing as get enough of him, all I have is hold onto this moment we're having.

* * *

I kissed his cheeks, jawline. These little kisses were great way to start a new day and this things we’re keep doing in the mornings become our morning routine. Also they were the time I enjoy my day most because even for a half hour, all I think about was _**him**_ , only him. I don’t remember how many times I memorized every inch of his body but that was the thing I can never get bored of, every part of him were like made for my hands and I know he loves to explore my body as well, so our every mornings were just like that, they were loaded with sweet kisses, touches and with devotion one another. I kept kissing his neck and pulled him more close to myself  
“I believe you want to stay in bed rest of the day”  
“Don’t you want to” he hold my chin and lifted my head, looked at me in the eyes, put a little kiss on my lips  
“You know I do” yeah just like how I think about, there’s no worries in all of our mornings just the two of us and our little treats for each other's, they were the perfect way to start a new day.

* * *

“I know we both don’t like to talk about it but I need to know Zero”  
“You need to know what?”  
“Why you stay, why don’t you run away because that’s what usually people do and I’m not asking this because I wanna argue something with you, I'm asking because I'm truly curious. I mean, I love you and I know you love me but the question is why” I know he’s gonna question me one day it took him almost two month to ask and I also know it isn’t going to be easy for me to answer but I have to anyway  
“Okay, I’ll tell you why but you have to answer that first you like watching movies, reading books and all sort of things, right?”  
“Yeah, sure”  
“Well then, you’re familiar with all of those epic love things, love at first sight, loving somebody's rest of their lives and that special person they keep talking about, you know all this, right?”  
“Yes yes, I do” he looked at me like waiting where’s this speech going  
“And I believed all them bullshits, I mean how could they even be right, everything was just faultless in all of their stories and I never loved anyone nor I think anyone loves me so there was no reason they could be a real thing. So I growth myself up like that, without believing fairytales and good faith then you came along and I knew I should run just like how you said it but something deep inside of me told me to stay and first time I listen that voice and stayed with you but I realize the truth later” I stopped, need to take a breath  
“What truth?”  
“They weren’t wrong and that person they keep saying was for real and I found mine, I mean just like how I said I really didn’t believe any kind of love but you...you changed my life view and now tell me Jude if you think you found that epic love and epic person, how can you possibly let him go?” he keep looking at me long, I can see tears in his eyes. He caressed my cheek with his thumb  
“I love you so damn much” they were the only words come out from his mouth  
“I love you too baby” we leaned forward, our heads touched, his hand were still on my face, I hold it and kissed it  
“I wish we met under different circumstances”  
“Yeah, I wish that a lot too but this all we have”  
“Yeah, it is. I can feel I start to fall”  
“Don’t worry I’ll be here to hold you”  
“I know you’ll but what about after...what’re you going to do then, you’re gonna feel so much pain baby, God, I can’t even imagine” his eyes were closed while he talks, I put my lips on his forehead  
“It doesn’t matter because it’s worth it Jude, even spending a hour with you, worth all the pain, you’re filling that empty spot inside of me, I won’t leave you until...until I lost you”

* * *

I was preparing something for dinner then Jude came  
“You awake?”  
“Yeah, I sleep a lot these days, I feel tired all the time. I think it's because of those last pills, doc changed them a few days ago”  
“Don’t you think they’re good for you” I go and grab a sweatshirt, then clothed to him  
“I’m not sure” he started to cough lightly  
“You're gonna get flu, you need to be more careful Jude, it's start to being cold outside” he looked at the window  
“Yeah, winter is on it’s way”  
“Do you wanna coffee?”  
“Yes, it’ll be great”  
“Yeah, it will since it’s something warm. By the way I want to talk you about something”  
“I’m listening” he sit on chair and I sit opposite him  
“I never tell you more about my alcohol addiction and other things”  
“Other things?”  
“Well I did something before I began to drink, actually that thing was the reason why I started to drink at the first place”  
“What did you do Zero?” I took a long breathe  
“I don’t know exactly why but after my parents died I was in a deep depression, then I thought there's no reason for anything anymore, only reason I was trying to be a decent person was them and now they were gone and I drop everything come back here, then... while I was in that depression I...I attempted to commit suicide”  
“What!!? You did what?”  
“Yeah took the all pills I can get then I did it but I survived and after that I thought I should-“  
“Drink yourself to dead and die slowly”  
“Yes, that’s exactly how I think” he was watching me with concerned eyes  
“What’s changed your mind?”  
“I decide to let them go and take care of myself so I was gonna start living for myself this time but it didn’t happen like that. I wasn’t lying to you when I told you, you changed my world view because just before a few days ago I met with you I was start to consider drinking back”  
“Really?”  
“Yeah but after you that feel goes away”  
“I can’t believe all of this”  
“It’s weird doesn’t it” I smiled at him, I want him to know I was feeling good especially while I'm with him  
“I guess we all have a lot to go on” I get up, hold his hand and pulled it  
“Now, wanna prepare some meal with me” he smiled.


	3. Third Month

I woke up in an empty bed and I look at the time it was 6 am. I started look for Jude and I found him while watching outside through the window  
“What’re you doing babe?”  
“Nothing just watching...maybe thinking” I sit on his lap and look at the view he’s watching, it was almost bright outside and fall looks beautiful with fallen leaves. It was nice to watch  
“Thinking about what?”  
“Summer” I wrapped my arms around him  
“Summer?”  
“Yeah...I was thinking I’m not gonna see another one just like this one last autumn” that was the last thing I want to talk about in one of my mornings especially when I know I don't have much enough of them. He has no right to do this to me my mornings should be only mine, they shouldn’t be included this kind of topics  
“I always love winter more anyway” he continued calmly and replaced his head between my jawline and collar bone, I hugged him more but I refuse to talk so we just sit there and watch outside in silent but it wasn’t something disturbing because we were hold on to each other close as possible and I know deep down we both were happy just because we’re able to that. After a while I get up, hold his hand and pulled him to myself  
“Let’s go to bed”

* * *

We were hanging inside of the house but there wasn’t so much to do, so I made an offer  
“Let’s go on a date”  
“Where?” Jude was like waiting for me to ask something  
“To first place we went for date”  
“So you wanna eat fish again!” he teased me. I smiled when I remember that night  
“Yes, sure why not!” I hold him from his arms, pulled him up and lead him to the bedroom. I watched him while he’s dressing, he lost a lot of weight since we met, he looks really thin now but at least he doesn’t look so unhealthy.

We sit the exact place we sat before and ordered our fish  
“Okay, there’s something I want to say you, I mean ask you but I’m bit of a scared how you'll react”  
“What?” he asked me with curiosity  
“Well, I was thinking maybe you should call your parents or maybe just your mom. After all they don’t know that you’re...Ermm you’re...-“  
“Hey! It’s fine calm down a little, please” he caressed my cheek, I lay my head down on his hand. God even words were so relentless when you try to talk about unpleasant things  
“And no I’m not calling them Zero...I won’t call them” last part was like only for himself  
“Why not? It might have been good for you”  
“Maybe but I’m not gonna call anyway” I raised my eyebrows and start to staring at him  
“Okay look I’ve been living my life based on this code for a long time. It’s usually about not having regrets but I’m not talking about being regret after something you did, I’m talking about things that you didn’t”  
“Explain it to me”  
“Okay let me give you a example what I use to think. I always want to have a child one day and then I was think that I would’ve never yell them or I’ll stay angry for a long time no matter what they would’ve have done it and I’ll be able to show them how much I love and care about them so even if something bad happens next day they know I always be there for them. So this is my code live your life like there won’t be another day you can spend with the persons you love and cared about” he look at my eyes and smiled shyly  
“Is it that weird?” he asked with a little insecurity in his voice  
“No no that’s not what I thought” I kept staring at him with a slight smile on my lips  
“Why are you looking at me like that then?” he turned his head like a little shy child, I hold his chin and turn his face to mine  
“I was thinking I just fell in love with you all over again” I pulled him and put an innocent kiss on his lips, then his forehead and I smelled his hair, run through my fingers in his soft hair, I kissed his cheek and whispered to his ear  
“I love you” he look at me and moved his lips as ‘I love you too’. I sit back on my chair  
“So basically you’re telling you won’t call them because it’s against your code”  
“Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying you because I know they’ll come if they heard I’m dying but only reason they come would be dead and that’s not something I want, it just...I don’t know”  
“Okay we won’t call then but if you want to see them, I mean really want to see them be with them don’t let this code get to you” I couldn’t say one last time, it was the fact that I choose to ignore each time  
“Okay” he just nodded his head repeatedly.

* * *

We just get inside of the house, time was almost midnight but I don’t think we both want to sleep. We go and drink our coffees outside just for the name of socializing and I don’t know what Jude wanna do now, I guess we can watch a horror movie or something  
“What’re you wan-“ I stopped by his lips, he jumped over me and start to kiss me with a feverishly hunger. I kissed him back, wrapped my arms around his waist and lean over him then I pulled him up, he wrapped his legs around me this time and God he was so light, it felt too easy to carry him. I headed to the bedroom, we lost our shirts in our way. I put him on bed slowly then climp on him, start to kiss his body calmly. There was something different about him tonight, the way he kissed, the way he moves. He grab me and pulled me under him, he was on my top now then he attacked on my lips again, he was kissing me sultry and so passionately but still it was included a certain dignity. He hold my hands and placed them on his ass while he kisses me and I squeezed his butt cheeks as return. And yes there was definitely something different about him tonight.

After we done he asleep immediately on my chest. We were dirty, we couldn’t find the power get up and take a quick shower and it was really hot what happened here just a few minutes ago, I don’t know what’s gotten into him but tonight was so different from our other nights. I hold him more tighter to myself and I remebered our first nights in bed together, we both were alone for a long time so it was hard to sleep with someone in your bed and sometimes even hugging could be a problem for breathing but in time especially this last week we were sleeping close as possible and we can’t even get sleep without lay down together. It was really weird to change that much just in three months and I guess only reason why we trying so hard to sleep close as possible was we both know as much as we spend time together, as much as our together time was getting shorter. I was pushing myself hard for not to think future but I’m gonna have to think about it one day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like to know your feelings about this fic


	4. Fourth Month

I woke up middle of the night because of voice, someone was coughing badly. It took some time to figure out the voice was coming from Jude. He was in bathroom and door was closed also locked, I forced but couldn’t open it  
“Jude!! Are you okay?” door opened slowly and Jude send me an ashamed look  
“Sorry to wake you, I’m fine” but he doesn’t look like fine, he sit on the floor, lean his head to wall, I sit next to him  
“It’s going bad, doesn’t it?” I wrapped my arm around his neck and pulled him to myself, I kissed his cheekbones and I just don’t want to hear the answer  
“Yeah, I feel more and more tired each day, I don’t know, it could be even psychological”  
“But you don’t sleep much lately” circles around his eyes were black, I carressed them with my thumb gently  
“Yes, I’m tired but I just can’t sleep properly either”  
“Well I’m glad you stay in bed even you can’t sleep” I smiled, he tried to smile but he wasn’t so successful  
“I’m really sorry for waking you up” he hold onto my arm more  
“It’s fine Jude and you know it is. I always be here for you remember also I rather sitting here with you than sleeping without you” he smiled perfectly this time and I couldn’t stop myself giving him a nice sweet kiss  
“You know when you smiled like that all I want to do is kiss you”  
“I’m glad you feel that way” and that was my sign for kissing every inch of his face, maybe even tickle him just for hearing his giggles  
“Let’s go to bed babe, it’s cold here” I hold his hand, hepled him get up and we go back to our bed.

“Good morning sunshine”  
“G’morning looks like finally I could sleep” he smiled brightly  
“Yeah baby. C'mon get up, I prepare something to eat” I drag him to the kitchen  
“Sandwich?”  
“Yeap since you decide to eat no longer egg or anything healty, I come up with that”  
“Great thought” he kissed my cheek  
“Also you’re gonna drink tea”  
“Nooo! First coffee, pleaseeee”  
“Nope, I’m taking control from now on and you’re gonna drink your tea first”  
“You’re evil this morning” he hit my shoulder lightly  
“I don’t think you love me because I’m a good person, right?”  
“Okay you win I’ll eat my sandwich and _**drink my tea**_ ”  
“Great” I put a kiss on his cheek and started to watch him with lots of joy.

* * *

I woke up middle of the night again, I don’t know why then I realize Jude wasn’t sleeping again he was playing with his phone under the blanket  
“What’re you doing?”  
“Couldn’t sleep so I decided to read some worldwide problems”  
“Well that’s nice of you but you need to sleep” I took the phone and put it on nightstand  
“I don’t think I can sleep”  
“Then let me tell you a story” I pulled him in my arms, put his head on my chest as usual  
“What story?”  
“It’s a story about handsome prince and prince”  
“Prince and prince?”  
“Yeap, what? Staright people have lots of them, we can have one too”  
“I’m listening”  
“Okay one day prince came across with evil witch and this evil witch-“  
“Really this is how you start a story?” he raised his head and look at me  
“Heey! I told you I wasn’t a big fan all of this fairytale and things”  
“Yeah I remember”  
“Don’t interrupt me then”  
“Okay okay go on”  
“And this witch poisoned prince so prince lay down a sleep until the eternity”  
“Ohh my god!! You’re terrible at this” I send him a look  
“Okay sorry I shut my mouth”  
“Then the other prince begin to look for his love after he disappeared. He looked for him days, months and even years but couldn’t find him. Witch put poisoned prince deep inside of the big forest, by the way this story’s called seven”  
“Seven? Why?”  
“Because handsome prince find his love after seven years, seven months and seven days. When he find his love, his love looks horrible like his veins get outside of his flesh and then witch appears to handsome prince and she told him only way he can take his love back, killing his own father but prince knows if kills his father and save his love, his love will never look at him the same way so he decided to do something. Look there’s Romeo and Juliet part”  
“Ohh really”  
“Yeap so handsome prince kisses his poisoned love and lay down next to him until the eternity. The end”  
“Wow that wasn’t a good end also it wasn’t a bad one too”  
“You’re the expert about all of this”  
“Yeah actually you know what, I think this could be a happy end after all”  
“Oh yeah? How’s that?”  
“Yeah I mean think about it, usually we don’t know what’s happening in their lives after story ends it still could happen lots of bad things after you solve a problem but in this one we know they gonna stay together”  
“Side by side, right?”  
“Yeah thoroughly. I like this story handsome prince”  
“Ohh no no I’m not handsome prince, I’m just the handsome boyfriend, sorry never have such a noble family” he laughed  
“I think after that kind of story I’ll sleep”  
“Yeah please I did my best here” he kissed me and we closed our eyes so we can finally sleep.

* * *

He didn’t get better, he gets worst and worst each day. He was literally sick now, coughing like crazy, sometimes his temperature was getting high too. He wasn’t getting out of bed and he wasn’t letting me do anyting to help him, like calling a doc  
“Jude really, you need to see a doctor, we won’t be in hospital for so long, tops half an hour, I promise you”  
“No I don’t want to go”  
“Okay then let me call one and they’ll come here but either way we have to do something. You’re not going any good love please let me call them”  
“NO! Don’t you get it _**I do not want**_ doctors or hospitals. I’ll be fine” and another coughing crisis  
“Jesus! _**WHY?**_ Why’re you doing this to me Jude? Please help me understand, I’m...I’m trying to...God!” I just sit end of the bed, took my head between my hands. He slowly come to me from behind, wrapped his arms to my torso, rested his head on my back  
“Last time I deal with all of those, it didn’t turn out good and I guess I’m just scared now and that’s the reason why I’m so against to go and get any kind of help, also I know medications won't work and I suppose that's the other reason” I hold his hands and I didn’t say anything, I knew all of this but all I want to do, trying to do was keeping him here with me as much as I could.

One day I was sitting in the living room, doing some research so maybe I can find something to help him even for a bit. He came from bedroom looks awful than usual and there wasn’t enough time for me to catch him before he hit the ground with unconsciousness...


	5. Fifth Month

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a short one guys beacuse we getting close to the end...

My back was aching because I sit all night on a really uncomfortable hospital chair right next to Jude. Also my arms were numb, I sleep my head on my arms, on Jude’s bed so I can hold his hand too. When I woke up from my little uncomfortable sleep, he was awake already and looking at me with weird face  
“What?” I asked with a genuine innocent  
“Why I’m here?”  
“Because you finally manage to faint yourself and what else I'm supposed to do other than calling an ambulance!? Hmm? You scared the hell out of me, I thought I lose you so you have no right to be angry because I brought you here. Okay?” and he was about to say something with temperature like mine but doctor came in and interrupt us  
“Hey guys, I’m glad you both awake. We need to talk about your condition Jude”  
“There’s nothing to talk about”  
“I know you’re not feeling very well and I know you don’t want to be here but my professional recommendation for you stay here for a while at least for a week”  
“Nope”  
“Jude you know I’m not your enemy also I’m not trying to keep you here in your last weeks all I’m saying taking some full care could earn you one more month so please just think”  
“Okay I think about it and no. I want to go when can I be discharged”  
“Whenever you want” he turned me this time  
“Can I speak with you”  
“Yeah sure” we go outside of room  
“You should convince him even a few days can make him feel better”  
“Already tried doc but he’s so stubborn”  
“Yes I know and that’s the reason why I asked you, he seems like he’ll listen to you”  
“You’re his doctor right since this thing started”  
“Yes I’m but when his condition get serious he shut me out just like rest of the world. I’m really glad he find you, he really needed that you know”  
“Yeah I know and believe me doc I need him too. There’s nothing we can do, right?” he looked at me with sadness in his eyes  
“I’m afraid not. It’s just typical viral infection, an easy virus but this is the way of this disease and there’s really nothing we can do after some point” I bowed my head, I already know everything he said but hearing was something else and hearing from a doctor...

* * *

I lay him down and start to watch him, think about he was so right, he told me I wouldn’t remember him the way he is, he was so right you can’t forget when you watch someone you love fade away in front of your eyes, more and more each day. I caress his hair slowly with teary eyes, I put a kiss on his hair and stayed right there with more tears on my face. I can feel he was falling and I was here but wasn’t able to hold him, he’s gonna slip out of my hands and all I’m gonna do watch it with helplessness. Maybe I should really convince him to stay hospital so I can keep him around little bit longer, it was a selfish thought but it was better than losing him soon.

“Maybe you should really consider staying at hospital?”  
“I already told you Zero, I don’t want that and if you don’t wanna stick with me anymore I can go to my place, no hard feelings”  
“How can you say that Jude, I told you million times I don't wanna leave you and I'm not!”  
“Then stop pushing me about hospital!” our voices was getting higher at each sentences  
“NO! Don’t you get it I’m trying to hold you here as much as possible!! You can at least act like you want to stay alive.”  
“Well, I have news for you pal you can’t keep me alive no one can so just leave it be okay. And for a change accept it”  
“Wow really so that’s it!? You just gonna lie down like this and wait for dying”  
“Yes that’s the plan actually” I get up and walk next to bed, kneel down right beside him, hold onto his arm and I start to cry. Everything was too much for the handle so I drop it  
“I can’t Jude, no no no...you can’t leave me” I was on his arms my head buried and holding his arm like it was a lifeline  
“Please don’t leave me alone here Jude I don’t wanna be without you. Please please...please don’t leave me...” _**take me...**_


	6. Sixth Month

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: OneRepublic - Let's Hurt Tonight
> 
> I really love this song guys and I thought it'll fit with their story so I want to share with you

When, when we came home  
Worn to the bones  
I told myself, "this could get rough"  
And when, when I was off, which happened a lot"  
You came to me and said, "that's enough"

Oh, I know that this love is pain  
But we can't cut it from out these veins, no

So I'll hit the lights and you lock the doors  
We ain't leaving this room ‘til we both feel more  
Don't walk away, don't roll your eyes  
They say love is pain, well darling, let's hurt tonight

When, when you came home  
Worn to the bones  
I told myself, "this could be rough"

Oh, I know you're feeling insane  
Tell me something that I can explain, oh

I'll hit the lights and you lock the doors  
Tell me all of the things that you didn't before  
Don't walk away, don't roll your eyes  
They say love is pain, well darling, let's hurt tonight  
If this love is pain, well darling, let's hurt, oh tonight

So you hit the lights and I'll lock the doors  
Let's say all of the things that we couldn’t before  
I won't walk away, won't roll my eyes  
They say love is pain, well darling, let's hurt tonight  
If this love is pain, then honey let's love tonight  


 

We were lying on hospital bed together, he finally agreed to check in but I feel like the only reason he agreed to do that was me because I really lost my all senses and I guess he realized that too so he decided to come here for me, it doesn’t matter anyway. He turn his head to me  
“You know you promised me, when I want to go back you’re gonna take me home”  
“Yes Jude I’ll take you home when you want it, ok” I kissed his cheek, even his voice was week now. I never thought I’m able to love someone but this man, he changed everything and he showed me that I’m capable of love  
“You know you are not making me a better person”  
“What?” he asked with shock and confusion  
“It is what they say right? You make me better person but I don’t think that’s right because if I’ll be a better person it also means I’m not same person anymore, the person you loved, right?”  
“I think it’s more complicated than that”  
“Why?”  
“Because the person you love can show you another you, a better you just like how you said it, think about it like another side of yourself, you don’t know you have it but that person sees it and shows it to you” I smiled  
“What?”  
“Nothing, I just thought that you showed me something about myself and then things you said was perfectly fit”  
“What did I showed you?”  
“You showed me love, love” I hugged him, take him in my arms. We didn’t talk things like this for a while, it felt good, it felt like bit of a normal day, a day like he’s not gonna die soon  
“You knew you’re going bad didn’t you?” he looked at me again, his beautiful hazel tone was so pale, I have to fight with myself for not to look away or not to cry  
“When?”  
“That night, the night you jumped over me, it was different from the other nights” he smiled slightly to the memory  
“Yeah, I just want to have you one more time as full...I mean without feel sick and I knew I don’t have much time to feel that way so _**I jumped over you**_ ” he smiled brightly this time. I hold his chin  
“I miss to see that” he put a small kiss on my lips and he didn’t pull back, our eyes were closed and I just want to stay like this forever, in this moment.

* * *

We came home, he want to be out from hospital and I didn’t force him for anything because we both know that nothing was working anymore and sometimes he was even coughing up blood. So all I do was obey to his wish and bring him home and this place’s not gonna be a home when he leaves me all alone in here but I need something to hold on to, right? He said he wants to watch a movie as usual, I make coffee and set everything for him to be comfortable but there was something weird, a feeling I really don’t know what it is, I don’t even know it’s a good one or a bad one but something felt wrong in a odd way. I put our coffees on table and sit right next to him, he captured my arm tightly then we started to watch. Not even in five minutes I feel that coldness, it start to scream in my veins, it felt like my heart get broken into hundreds of pieces, my brain stopped and I couldn’t react anything and there it was that moment, his hands didn’t hold my arm anymore and his head fell on my shoulder in a funny way. I couldn’t look, I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t move, I couldn’t even breathe and he was gone just like that yes I felt it and I know he knew that too, he knew the time perfectly and that was the reason why I felt really weird when he asked me to watch a movie but I just couldn’t believe he’s actually gone and everything felt so cold now.


	7. Last Month

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm truly sorry for the delay guys but I couldn't find the courage for writing this last chapter because the story's really painful for me  
> Especially after reading your comments to chapter 6 I feel more attached to this story and it just made everything kinda difficult for me but also I feel good because it seems like I have succeed it delivering my emotions to you guys

Home, home was Jude and Jude was gone. So I was sitting on my couch, our couch, no no right Jude was gone this couch is only mine now and I’m sitting on it all alone after the funeral and drinking again because there was really nothing else to do. The love of my life died and he died just beside me and everything was completely fuzzy after that. I remember ambulance took him and I remember I hear his last heartbeats in that ambulance and then he was gone for good, his body give up because of the sickness and I remember there wasn’t any last words, I know we don’t need them because we both always know how much we loved each other’s but still I guess it could've been nice hearing a few more words from Jude. Then I remember funeral more like I remember Jude’s parents and his mothers tears, his fathers cold blooded eyes, the guy didn't even flinch at his own son's funeral, he also told me he is not gonna give me anything from Jude’s inheritance because looks like Jude left everything he has to me but I didn’t know that while his dad was coming over me like I’m kinda avaricious person and use his son for his money so I just left there without respond anything, at least that’s how I remember and I suppose his mom ask me something about Jude's happiness but I think I didn't bother answering her, I also remember that I thought if you ever care about your son's happiness why don't you never called him for six months. Anyway when I came back, there was this lawyer at my door Jude’s lawyer and that was how I learn about how Jude left me his everything, lawyer gave me a file and leave when he saw I didn’t responding him anything too. To be honest first thing I expected was a note, a video maybe but there wasn’t anything maybe Jude thought we don’t need last words too. No matter what, I feel bad when there was nothing but crap in those files because I want my baby back and only think he left me what money and property?! So I decide to drink more and probably that was the reason why everything is so fuzzy since that moment but as much as fuzziness everything about Jude and every single memory of Jude were crystal clear in my head, it was almost like having him here with me at the moment but he was gone and I need to remind myself this, in every damn second because if I don't I know I'm gonna get delusional and it means I’m gonna stuck here for good...

I was trying to sleep but that wasn’t happening too, it was just like trying to eat which I can’t do them both since Jude was gone. Jude was gone yeah yeah right I forget that again, it felt like he was sleeping in our bedroom no my bedroom for a moment. By the way there was other fact that makes me laugh hard if I could and that’s we never can actually finish our tears I mean they keep coming and coming. I always thought there’s term about run out of tears but it was a lie because I’m still crying over my love, it’s two or three days on earth without him and that’s painful, not having him around makes me sad and hurt. I’m craving for his tiny little touch but he’s gone right! There’s one lie I said it to Jude and it’s about our bed time story I told him I’m not that handsome prince beacuse I wasn’t noble enough but that was a lie beacuse the story was about us. So I made my decision long time ago about going after his back and maybe deep in down he knows it too so he didn’t leave me anything because he knew I’m gonna come after him. No matter what I couldn’t break his heart by saying these things to him, he would’ve blame himself. I guess one other thing Jude didn’t know of was my dad’s gun. I never told him there’s a gun in this house, I also didn’t tell him I was scared of using it when I tried to kill myself. Well, this time there wasn’t any reason to be scared, actually there’s this little hope inside of me about getting back to my Jude, seeing him again, touch him ohh touching him being able to touch him again, that was enough for me to give it a try. There wasn’t like anyone gonna be sad after my dead but I might be happy right! I mean I don’t believe in God or anything but maybe he believes me enough. I raise the gun, _**pull the trigger...**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not gonna lie I feel kinda good because this story finally over because it was actually a challenge for me to write some sad and deadthful story like this and each chapter has got me far and far into the darkness with among the sadness deep into my heart  
> So I'm glad I get to finish it and I really hope you like it 
> 
> Btw I'm gonna start updating my other stories soon enough, especially beauty of the impossible so wait for me on those dears :) :*


End file.
